The Mac Attack is Back, Jack

Alright, listen up food noobs and fodder snobs. I’m about to school ya on mac n’ cheese. And no, not your grandmama’s recipe from when you were just a wee little tax deduction. I’m talking powdered cheese pack, just add butter and milk, depression mac. That Blue Box Blues stuff. Or whatever knock off brand you find at your local dollar store.

See, the box has you cook the pasta for 8 min. Don’t do that. That’s way too long for those tiny noodles. 4 min on a rolling boil. Stir twice. That’s it. Just check it before you strain it.

Now, here’s where we mix it up. The directions tell you to strain and then add the noods back to the pan and add the cheese dust, ¼ cup of milk, and a ¼ cup of butter. That’s a half a stick, ya ding-dong. Or 4 Tablespoons. Whatever is easiest for you. And don’t even think about using that margarine bullshit either, you uncultured swine.

Time to get funky with it. BEFORE your broke ass adds the mac back, return your pan to the stove and turn your heat down to medium-low. Now, add that processed cheese dirt back to the pan with the milk. Don’t just throw that half stick of delicious golden butter into the pan. Cut it into like 6 smaller slabs. It’ll melt quicker, college boy. Or girl. Or dinosaur. Whatever you are. Now, stir that shit up!

If you’re feeling froggy, grate a little sharp cheddar and add a splash more milk to your pan. And don’t buy that bagged shredded waxy crap. It literally costs the exact same amount to buy a block and do it yourself. I like to add some hot sauce for a little kick. Raid your fridge and toss in whatever makes you feel pretty. Like…leftover taco meat, bacon bits, hot dogs, Skittles…I don’t care. This is your time to shine. I ain’t judging ya. However, do not add salt. There’s enough sodium in that powder packet to choke a yak. Your heart will thank you later.

Once everything is melted and well incorporated, dump your sad little pasta elbows into that agent orange looking sauce you’ve just created. Which is essentially a roux. I’ll explain that a little later.

When you mix everything together, you get a nice even coating, rather than a clumpy mess of half melted butter and cheese sand. Adjust the consistency to your desire with more milk to thin it or more grated cheese to thicken. Now, go eat that somewhere in the dark and try not to feel too much shame. We’ve all been there.

Added Bonus:

Mac n’ cheese is not a hard recipe to do. Essentially, you can make a fairly decent version with only 5 ingredients:

-Cooked macaroni

-Grated cheese (ex. cheddar, gruyere, cojack…)




You mix the butter with a little flour over medium heat and add your milk. Congratulations, you just made a roux. Now, you fold in your choice of grated cheese and let it melt until smooth then add the pasta.

Now, that you have the basics down, you play around with it and make it your own. You can use different cheeses, bake it with breadcrumbs on top, add different seasonings and spices like nutmeg, garlic powder, or red pepper flakes. If you really want to amp it up, try adding a little stout to your roux. 😉

Happy Cooking!

The Depressed Chef

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